Dear Success
He dropped on the couch next to her. “Oh, I thought you’d be all over the big screens by now handling different romantic affairs off screen.” His Dutch-Indo face hardened as she flinched at his remark at a cozy coffee shop.
Seven years ago, he dragged her out of regular theater classes to take part in his version of Broadway. He was a gifted young director straight out of drama institutions in
Europe
. In his production, she played
Magdalena
, a 16 year old prostitute who was graciously willing, yet veiled higher dreams. The 4 days performance brought her to recognition and further work. It elevated her father’s unfulfilled dreams– hit the big screen. But she was never an expert at obeying people’s self-absorbed demands.
…Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you…
Blue October blared.
“I wanted to see the world,” she reminded him.
“Yes, and after that I thought you’d be anchoring or reporting wars and famines. And whatever happened to National Geographic? You gave that up also?” Her mind fell back on the opportunity that waited patiently for her during college. Suddenly his face grew full of concern.
Seven years did him zero damage. The dark eyes framed with neat brows, announced cheek bones, squared shoulders, and the double laughing lines around his lips remained unchanged. His light brown hair still slightly wavy. She remembered women loved that most about him wishing they could run their fingers through those soft strands. They never succeeded though. Marcus was always thorny with the Eve species, or with anything that couldn’t whisk his standards. To Marcus, women belonged in front of his camera lenses bowing down upon his commands. They always adored him more than he could reciprocate. Perhaps, he’s seen too many and none ever awed him enough to make his body bend a little more than lighting their cigarettes.
She bit on a chocolate wafer. “Things changed.” She excused.
“You gave up. You forgot about that little sophomore I trained day and night for months and she spoke non stop about how big she will become. She knew she was going to be on top one way or another and we loved that about her.”
“You’re being unfair.”
“You remember that girl? She knew. Oh, we all knew she was going to make it.”
“We don’t control life.” She defended poorly.
“True. But forgetting and giving up are too sinning, my dear.”
His sharp 35 year old eyes stared at her as if she deserved pity.
“If things stayed the same, maybe I could put more focus on things.” Things did evolve. Parents grew toward their individual realization. Valuables deteriorated while values abandoned. Comfort shifted. Siblings distanced. Warmth froze. Various love evaporated to just about anything else.
“So you’re saying you couldn’t fulfill things on your own?” He replied.
“I did fulfill things on my own.”
“So what have you achieved that at least deserves a standing ovation?”
“I don’t need standing ovation.”
Marcus raised both eyebrows. “You loved it then. You were born for it. And if you had continued, you wouldn’t be anywhere near your difficulties now.”
“I am not in any difficulties now that I cannot run away from.”
“That’s your disease. You run away repeatedly heading to nothing.”
…I break traditions. Sometimes my tries are outside the line. We’ve been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can’t live that way. No… Staring at the blank page before you. Open up the dirty window. Let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find. Reaching for something in the distance. So close you could almost taste it. Release your inebriation. Feel the rain on your skin…
Beddingfield sung her heart out.
She watched as Marcus leaned for his cup of coffee, staring into giddy female shoppers all flashing their branded loads.
“They’re all so ordinary and useless.” Marcus glared at five young fleshes, perhaps in their early twenties smiling shyly his way, occupying the set of couches next to theirs with their purchases, each with updated stylish dyed hair, tight miniskirts and bright sleeveless tops. Louis Vuitton bags encircling their wrists.
“There is nothing that you can get out of them that you cannot get out of yourself,” Marcus continued. “No character, no motivation, no purposes, no life.”
“They have a life. It’s filled with Louis Vuitton and…”
“That’s not living. That’s called passing by so that males of their kind actually have something to do.”
“You’re too harsh on them,” She closed her eyes.
“I am stating reality. In life, either you have it or you don’t.” Marcus put his coffee down. “Not many do. And those who do should be surrounded with people who also…do.”
She ran her fingers through her chin length mahogany hair.
“You know, you were fine before you actually grew up.” Marcus grabbed her attention.
“What does that mean?”
“You were much better off, the most naïve girl I’ve ever met. Naïve but focused.”
“Time never stands still, Marcus.” She said feeling very much interfered.
“I’m sure you’ve done and seen many foolish things. And all those men you let in your life. They drove your mind didn’t they?” Marcus smirked. “God, I know they did. I know you’re always hungry for life. I saw it from the day I met you.”
“I did no such thing.” She grew furious, yet helplessly giving in to his digging on her soul.
“You did. You got so caught up, one after another. God I bet you were ready to give up your life for them too. Forgot your dreams and thought of what you can do for a man you were only infatuated with.”
“That’s not entirely true.”
“No need for a defense. This isn’t a prosecution. I don’t even blame you. You had no guidance. Christ, you were alone out there.” He leaned to face her.
“I don’t regret a single minute of it.” She lied.
“Stop lying.” He whispered finishing his coffee allowing no trace of emotion.
She clenched her teeth, almost in tears, longing only for the one man in a distance she longed for. “I’m in love now, Marcus.”
“So we all know.” He smiled briefly. “Is it one of your running away schemes again? Another life adventure that you’ll put in your scrap book once it’s over?”
“Don’t talk to me that way.”
“Is it? Is that what you want for your life? Marry a man, fix his kids and then what? Follow his dreams and be the younger beautiful trophy? When will you start thinking of yourself?”
“I want to do a lot of good, Marcus.”
“What? Feed a few poor faces? Look, I don’t mean to sound nasty, but look at you.” Marcus’s face softened in desperation. “You’re throwing yourself away, girl. Where will you end up in the end?”
“I want to be happy. Is that wrong?”
“Happy.” Marcus ran his hand through his hair. “Either you’re lying to me or those goddamn flights really did something to you.”
“I’m not lying and yes, I grew up.” She confessed.
“What’re you going to do? Dance at some cheap bar while playing Mother Theresa?!”
“Marcus!”
Silence.
“It’s nonsense and deep down you know it,” Marcus said softly. “You of all people don’t deserve odd jobs. You’re born for bigger things. God, I could’ve guided you and see you rise to a place where you are supposed to be.”
“Where am I supposed to be?” She asked although she’s heard his answer thousands of times when she was younger.
“You know where.” Marcus said gravely.
…Why must the children play in the street? Broken house and faded dreams. Please tell love to everyone that you meet. Don’t you worry; it could be so sweet.
Just look to the rainbow; you will see. The sun will shine’ till eternity. I’ve got so much love in my arms. No one can tear it apart…
Bob Sinclair played. “I’m not leaving what I got. I’m sorry.”
“God, you would’ve been very much loved.” He sighed in desperation.
“It would’ve been the love I never needed, Marcus.”
