runaway princess…

It felt like I’ve had sex and fully committed myself to the Devil (the real one, not the one wearing Prada) these past few days. I admit I’ve been a tyrant to my own self while giving away my million dollar smile (I’d like to think it’s worth that much) to just about every walking body.  Now, the last time I actually ridiculed myself with this much pestering was a while back when the whole world around me was in no doubt withering. At that time Dad wasn’t home much and when he was, I didn’t hear a thing.  He was basically what I call then Financially Fucked. Mom was minding her own business praising just about every middle aged man, except her husband, in my face. My sisters were never home so there was no one to buy my Kotex (or Charm with wings as large as Mami Poko) during those heavy emergency hours. I was never a lady to keep umbrellas for rainy days. My folks needed me “home”, so a ticket to my next flight and new life in

Singapore

as they promised was postponed.  Um…my crazy first class maniac ex was torturing me while the lover I had at the time acted like a real guy – multitasking was as challenging as tapping your head with one hand while rubbing your tummy in circles with the other.  I went through massive weight gain and loss in less than 6 months. I hated myself in the mirror although my friends still thought I was the hottest chick around. (Sigh).

So yes, there I was isolating myself from anything breathing. A knock on my door used to freak me out and a second knock drove me up all four walls (and ceiling).  The only person I always tolerated was Mom herself and even then she had to be extra careful. Otherwise I might’ve given her one of my rare but quite deadly outbursts.  Oh, but I never did as she was always one that had the most beautiful heart in the world. Christ, I’d bow at her feet for eternity if I could.

But that was then when I had all the reasons in the world to be what my doctor called mildly depressed, a state of mind declared still to be pretty normal and 100% curable.  And yes, it was.

But recently, nothing worked and it’s been one great dejavu (however you spell that). I turned down a modeling gig, which offered me 5 grand for a day’s work.  I considered that an awfully nice bundle considering that they tolerated my extra love handles.  They liked my face, but I hated theirs so I shut down the phone without regrets (maybe just a tad bit). I shouted to my student whom I could’ve sworn was the Devil’s advocate himself to jump out the window if he couldn’t stand still in my class. I even offered the push.  I snapped at all the little adorable girls grabbing on my Giordano. Lay off the fuckin’ shirt bitches!! I almost forgot Mom’s birthday if it wasn’t for the damn alarm ringing off my phone. I shushed every student who recited their good mornings to me wishing their mothers would’ve taught them on how to keep their mouth shut more often. Just like Mom.  I cursed at the nasty lunch, any students who walked annoyingly slow, the Physical Education teacher who needed to grow an extra 10 inches to fit his job, the lesbian dance teacher who touched me too much (I hate strangers touching me), and last but not least, Yoiji – my Japanese angel who reminded me all too much of what I was like as a kid and still at 23, nothing of my heart have changed.

Oh, Mom….I wished she was stroking my hair convincing me with her sweetest words that the Devil would vanish in no time. But such wish is just far too weak. The Devil shadowed me at all my hours and I did nothing but gave in.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 6th, 2007 at 10:19 pm and is filed under Outdated Testimonials. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.